Maureen Chalton has supplied a better acronym:
Gone Out Left Food!

Harold had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Annette, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Annette sank her long birdie putt for the win. Harold congratulated her and paid off his losses.

Annette asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Harold, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'   He did, and they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.   Again Annette beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Harold narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Harold said, 'Annette, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

Annette burst into tears. 'I can't!'    'What? Why not?' he asked.

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

'What?!' Aghast, Harold swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

'I'm so sorry,' says Annette, 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

'You bastard!' Harold screamed, his face bright red. 'You cheating bastard! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB' s funeral will be on Friday .

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one man.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the man?'

'Tiger Woods.'

'Tiger Woods the golfer?'

'Yes.'

'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks his wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

'What are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.'

The husband slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'

It's a terrible shame about Gladys,
She's frightfully keen but she's slow.
When she's due on the tee
She's still having a pee:
"So sorry- I just had to go!"

She likes to talk as she lines up her driver,
She chats as her strokes start to mount.
When she's played more than four
She can't keep the score
She's too busy yapping to count.

If she loses her ball in the bushes
She's determined to search, come what may.
She doesn't see who
She ought to let through
Never mind they've been waiting all day.

cont...............

"Gladys" cont.............

She takes practice swings by the dozen;
She tries out her putts on the green.
She spends half an hour
Admiring each flower
And waving to friends she has seen.

She leaves all her clubs on the fairway
Instead of beside the next tee.
If her partner says "Hurry!"
She's all of a flurry.
"I always forget - silly me!"

She dillies and dallies when choosing
A wood or an iron from her bag.
She can't find her tees
"May I borrow one, please?"
Then she sits down and lights up a fag.

If you know a golfer like Gladys
Who plays at a leisurely rate.
Tell her the aim
Is three hours for a game
Don't gossip, or stroll - concentrate!

An English golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the buggy and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see.
Well, ye got me fair & square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything.
I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologise. I really didn't mean to hit you."
And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair & square that he got me, & I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the English golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
"By the way, he adds, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know.
Now tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf."
If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket & pull out £50 notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, & says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish".......

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?" Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."   The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?" Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.  Without waiting or him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

"I'd like a mild heart attack."

A blonde lady golfer was walking along the opposite fairway and saw the man crying. She walked across and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit with my drive and killed it."

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her golf bag and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the rest of the fairway.

50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people, again hopped down the fairway another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 yards, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair.   Adds Permanent Wave."

And never one to hide away
Monkey journeyed through the trees
Until he found an acre filled
With fairways, greens and tees.

Where monkey sat and sat some more
Observing from afar
For though his swing was a certainty
He had some trouble with par.

His sister-law could play so well
Losing to her would not be funky
A wise monkey never messes with
Another monkey's monkey.

So late at night he'd practice
With the 9 iron in his paws
Until a few weeks later
He could play the perfect course.

But one last thing was needed
Before monkey could turn Pro
His dress must be appropriate
So shopping he did go.

...next morning monkey swelled with pride
As he bid his tailor thanks
For the record, monkey now keeps his nuts
In tartan golfing pants!!!!!!!!

Fine Print

A man receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one pound.   He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf.   It costs him a pound.   When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another pound.   His room is only a pound a day!   The day before he is to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the Pro Shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he is checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: £1.   Dinner:  £1.   Room:  £1.   Sleeve of golf balls:   £3,000".   He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about?   Everything is supposed to cost one pound and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"Sorry sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure.   That is what our golf balls cost."

"Well", said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money I could have gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand pounds a day for a room.   At least I would have known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have", said the manager.   "Over there they get you by the room.   Over here we get you by the balls!"

"Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient" said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save ya a grand here."

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Whisky?" she asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord!

Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

Another good lesson!!

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

......"Just got a brand new set of clubs for my husband."

"Oh, what a good trade........"

....A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.......

Sayings.......
....."If you break 100, watch your golf.   If you break 80, watch your business"....
Joey Adams

The Ball
In my hand I hold a ball
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear
This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess
The awesome power it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game
It rules my mind for hours on end
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has been my curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par"
If I can hit it straight and far.