| 19th
Hole for Jokes! |
| In
Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language. Now that is a Joke!! |
|
Maureen
Chalton has supplied a better acronym:
Gone Out Left Food!
|
|
|
 |
Question:
What does a woman do with her A. . .
hole before sex?
Answer: Drop him off at the golf club!!
(With thanks to Brian Voyle-Morgan, After Dinner Speaker)
Question: What's the difference between a golf ball
and a G spot?
Answer: Men will actually spend time looking for a golf
ball.
|
| A
Wee Leprechaun
An
English golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he finds a wee Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his Scotch from the buggy and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh,
I see.
Well, ye got me fair & square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
"I don't want anything.
I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologise. I really didn't mean
to hit you."
And the golfer walks off.
"What
a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was
fair & square that he got me, & I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things I would want -- a great golf
game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A
year goes by and the English golfer is back on the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting
for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy
says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact,
that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally
famous golfer now."
"By the way, he adds, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya
know.
Now tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I
win fortunes in golf."
If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket & pull out £50
notes I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away embarrassed, & says
shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting
to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,
sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's
all?
Only once or twice a week?"
"Well,"
says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish".......
|
| Valentine's
Day |
As
we age, our priorities change ........
On Valentine's Day a man came home and was greeted by his wife, dressed
only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So,................ he tied her up and went golfing.
|
The
Frog
A
woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap,
I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said, "Thank you, but
I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes
that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more
or better." And if either of you die the other will get all
the wishes you had wished for! ! !
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first
wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will
also make your Husband the most handsome man in the world, an
Adonis, that women will flock to."
|
The
woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, KAZAM-she's
the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in
the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman
said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog was amazed at the woman's good heart and then inquired about
her third wish, and the woman answered ............
"I'd
like a mild heart attack."
|
|
|
The
Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell
sleep and woke up at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home. Where have you been?" his
wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm
having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. "She
looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!"
|
Rub
it Better!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. Oh, no, I'll be
all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, the man replied.He was in
obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands
together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside. She administered tender and careful massage
for several long moments then asked, How does that feel.
He replied, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
|
The
Unstoppable Rabbit
A man had just taken his drive when a rabbit ran across the fairway
and was hit by his ball.
The man, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, ran up
to the rabbit to see what had become of it.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. He felt so awful that he
began to cry.
A
blonde lady golfer was walking along the opposite fairway and saw
the man crying. She walked across and asked the man what was wrong.
"I
feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this
rabbit with my drive and killed it."
The
blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She
went to her golf bag and pulled out a spray can. She walked over
to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the rabbit.
Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people
and hopped down the rest of the fairway.
50
yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people,
again hopped down the fairway another 50 yards, turned, waved, and
hopped another 50 yards, turned and waved and repeated this again
and again until it was out of sight.
The
man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could
be in the woman's spray can!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray
can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The
woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It
said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds
Permanent Wave."
|
Where
Monkey Keeps his Nuts
(composed by Becky Peters)
For many years now monkey
Had had comments on his swing
which had led him to believe
That a game of golf he'd win.
And
never one to hide away
Monkey journeyed through the trees
Until he found an acre filled
With fairways, greens and tees.
Where
monkey sat and sat some more
Observing from afar
For though his swing was a certainty
He had some trouble with par.
|
His sister-law could play so well
Losing to her would not be funky
A wise monkey never messes with
Another monkey's monkey.
So late at night he'd practice
With the 9 iron in his paws
Until a few weeks later
He could play the perfect course.
But
one last thing was needed
Before monkey could turn Pro
His dress must be appropriate
So shopping he did go.
...next
morning monkey swelled with pride
As he bid his tailor thanks
For the record, monkey now keeps his nuts
In tartan golfing pants!!!!!!!!
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Fine
Print
A man receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one pound. He jumps at the offer and heads off
for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs
him a pound. When he goes for dinner that evening,
it costs him another pound. His room is only a
pound a day! The day before he is to check out,
he heads out to play a last round and stops by the Pro Shop and
charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he is checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees
"Golf: £1. Dinner: £1. Room:
£1. Sleeve of golf balls: £3,000". He
hits the ceiling!
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything
is supposed to cost one pound and you charged me three thousand
for three golf balls?"
"Sorry sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read
the fine print in our promotional brochure. That
is what our golf balls cost."
"Well", said the man, "if I wanted to spend that
kind of money I could have gone to that luxury hotel across the
street and paid them a thousand pounds a day for a room. At
least I would have known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have", said the manager. "Over
there they get you by the room. Over here we get
you by the balls!"
|
|
|
Heaven
and Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived
up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by
St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter, "Before you get
settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this
far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going
to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you
can choose whichever one you want to spend eternity."
Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven"
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of her were all her friends -- fellow executives
who she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns
and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to
the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)
and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having
such a good time that before she knew it; it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got intothe elevator. The
elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she
spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her
24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all,
but I think I had a better time in Hell," so St.Peter escorted
her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in
a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it
in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of
garbage and all my friends look
miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you, today you're staff..."
|
|
|
The
Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you're welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man,"
was the reply. "You're Joking!" was the response. "No,
I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools". "That's a beautiful telescopic
sight" said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think
I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight
is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife
in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's
my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman. "How much do you charge for a hit?"
I'll do a flat rate, for you: one thousand pounds every time I pull
the trigger".
"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife she's always been mouthy, so shoot her
in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson".
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes .
"Are
you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient" said the hitman calmly, "I think
I can save ya a grand here."
|
Shipwrecked
One
day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years,
sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship",
he thinks to himself.
As
the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities
of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf
comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell
me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten
years," replies the stunned man.
With
that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"
"And
how long has it been since you've had a sip of Whisky?" she
asks him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She
reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him.
He
opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely
fantastic!"
At
this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and
asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With
tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh
good Lord!
Don't
tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"
|
Corporate
Lesson
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers
are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference
for Golf.
Finding:
As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.
Another
good lesson!!
|
|
|
A
hole behind
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his Hotel, he found he had a lot of
time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby
golf course from the receptionist.
While
playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech
and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,
he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained
the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He
thanked her and went back to his golf.
On
the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are
a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once
again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the
end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The
bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm
in sales also. What do you sell?"
She
replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No
I wouldn't."
"Well
if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."
She
said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's
not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
|
|
......"Just
got a brand new set of clubs for my husband."
"Oh,
what a good trade........"
|
....A
"gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two
golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.......
|
It's
the Law (of Golf)
The wind affects your ball only if you have failed to consider it
when planning your shot.......
No matter what causes a golfer to duff a shot, all her playing partners
will say, "You looked up"........ |
"This
will be the last one. Without question. Fifty
years is plenty." - Arnold Palmer, about playing in the 2004
Masters. |
|
Sayings.......
....."If you break 100, watch your golf. If
you break 80, watch your business"....
Joey Adams
|
"Always
throw your clubs ahead of you. That way you don't
have to waste energy going back to pick them up."
- Tommy Bolt |
| "It
is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place this world is
when one is playing golf." - Robert Lynd |
The
devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting,
just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow" - Dan
Jenkins. |
| "I'm
very lucky. If it wasn't for golf I don't know what I'd be doing.
If my IQ had been two points lower, I'd have been a plant
somewhere." - Lee Trevino |
"Happiness
is a long walk with a putter." - Greg Norman |
| "A
well-adjusted woman is one who can play golf as if it were a game."
- Anonymous |
"I
used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing.
Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing."
- Bruce Lansky. |
Golfer:
Caddy: |
"Think
I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
"Think you can keep your head down that long?"
|
Golfer:
Caddy: |
"I'd
move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course"
"Try heaven, you've moved most of the earth."
|
Golfer:
Caddy: |
"Do
you think that my game is improving?"
"Yes sir, you miss the ball a lot closer now."
|
|
If I should die, dear husband
I asked my husband, If I should die would you marry again?
Of course, was his reply.
You wouldn't bring her here to our house would you?
Of course, its a perfectly good home.
You wouldn't sleep in our bed would you?
Well, I would not run out and buy a new bed right away.
You wouldn't let her use my golf clubs would you?
No, she's left handed! |
A
Golfer's Lament
If
the golfer had his way
He'd be out playing every day
For though with talent he's not blessed
Where golf's concerned he's just obsessed
He walks for miles with hills to climb
What a bloody waste of time
Carting clubs round in a trolley
Looking like a flaming wally
In his cap and silly pants
Trying to hold the perfect stance
This disillusioned simple soul
Gets cricket scores on every hole
But still the idiot won't give up
He thinks he's in the Ryder Cup
But even though his game's erratic
Every single golf fanatic
Boasts he's got a handicap
Its true he has - he's bloody crap!
|
|
Why
would anyone play this game?
One round to next, its not the same
Sometimes the spirits lifted high,
Next time pissed off enough to die.
But now and then the perfect hit
That keeps you going on a bit
In hope that one day all way round
The perfect game you've finally found
So until then I keep on striving
Instead of from a cliff head first diving!
Submitted by Judy Smith, Deer Park
|
The
Golf Bag Genie
There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men
pulled out a cigarette and asked his friend for a light.
His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" "Oh,
my genie got it for me." "Your genie? You have
a genie? Where is he?"
"He is in my golf bag".
The friend says, "Can I see him?" His friend says
to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would
you grant me just one wish?" The genie says "Yes,
just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks.
The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word.
Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even
darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying
over. He gets real upset and says "What is the matter
with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million
Bucks, not a million Ducks."
His friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked
for a 12 inch Bic?"
|
|
Golf
A great man once said of the golf game,
There were two things at which he was good -
Conceding a putt to his partner
And firm practice swings made with wood.
The rest of the time is a gamble,
As you aim any club at the ball -
If you hit it that's half of the battle
Some poor souls can't do that at all.
When you place that small ball on the golf tee,
You release it and hand it to fate -
You might want it to land on the fairway
But how often does that ball go straight?
If you alter your swing just a fraction
If you loosen your grip just a tuck
Just assuming your club hits the damned ball,
Where it goes is down purely to luck.
|
I've seen grown men fill up with emotion
As they stand and survey their demise
As the ball went a miserly ten yards
From the tee, bringing tears to their eyes.
If they get to the green it's no better -
Does it swing to the left or the right?
They tap gently and then see the ball roll
Through the green, down the bank, out of sight.
Though it's true it's a game worth the playing,
Just remember this rule if you do -
That the matches they play on the telly,
Bear little resemblance to you.
Allan of Keighley, West Yorks. |
Top
|
|
The
Ball
In my hand I hold a ball
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear
This harmless looking little sphere.
By its size I could not guess
The awesome power it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.
My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game
It rules my mind for hours on end
A fortune it has made me spend.
It has been my curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par"
If I can hit it straight and far.
|
To
master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it chooses.
It hooks and slices...dribbles...dies
Or disappears before my eyes
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.
With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.
It's made me whimper like a pup
And swear that I will give it up
And take to drink to ease my sorrow...
But "The Ball" knows........
I'll be back......tomorrow!
|
| "The
Ball" taken from "Tee Parties" an invaluable
guide for all aspects of planning golf tournaments. See Lady
Captain's page for more details |
 |
"Dear
Bank Manager"
The following is quite a lengthy piece,
has nothing to do about golf but nevertheless I feel its brilliant! It
is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank
thought it was amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place
for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as
my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited
and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes, I
have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by
the impersonal,
ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless machine.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to
access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let
me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom
I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at
home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.
8. To return to the main menu & listen carefully to options
1 through
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration.
This month I've chosen a refrain from ; "The Best of Woody
Guthrie", "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a
guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That
the Miners sweated for";
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably
know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency
comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass onto
me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You would be well
advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
Year?
Your humble client, [Name withheld ]
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